Sociable smoking
A few decades ago, no social occasion was complete without a cigarette box being regularly passed from host to guests, and back again. Today, smoking is a minority sport. Smokers are therefore advised to cushion their indelicacy with suitable manners and consideration for others. The host, and then those sitting near to the smoker, should be asked if they object to lighting-up. A furtive glance must then be cast around the room for children or pregnant women. Social smokers, who do not actually buy cigarettes, should rotate the suppliers of their freebies; if asked to donate, it is churlish (though tempting) to refuse. Always use a proper ashtray - never a wine bottle, flower plot, or used plate - and avoid allowing smoke to billow out of the nostrils. It is also inelegant to leave the cigarette unsupported in the mouth, or to exhale into someone's face.
Meeting celebrities
Planet celebrity is an alien world peopled by psycho fans and fame hags, so don't expect your idol to offer anything more than a glacial reception. With chance spottings - particularly when en famille - it's polite to ignore them. Permit yourself a brief smile if you must, but don't gawp, and if you must take a photo with the mobile phone, be discreet. When introduced, keep the chat pithy and pacy, and remember: there's no such thing as an original line, they've heard it all before. Feigning ignorance of their fame is a risky strategy: the wildly unfamiliar concept of anonymity may delight them, but these people have hefty egos, so you run a risk of incensing them and blowing it. Exploit their insecurities, butter them up, but keep it brief. And never ever remind them of previous meetings: they won't remember you.
Gossip, bitching, lies and excuses
The best gossip is always the most dangerous, but bear in mind that those who peddle gossip and bitch incessantly get a reputation. Rule number one is to watch your back. If you're overheard bad-mouthing someone, and are sure that umbrage was taken, apologise at once. If you're too spineless to do it in person, e-mail. Lies, on the other hand, can have a positive role (for instance to protect another's feelings), so it's worth learning how to tell a good 'un. The key is to keep it simple, involve no one else, and tell as few people as possible. If talking to a pathological liar, either ignore completely, or (in the case of a good friend) confront them with a well-timed "come off it!" Excuses are fundamentally the same as lies, so similar rules apply. False doctor's appointments can be useful, toothache is handy, but migraines and food poisoning are over-used and have lost all credibility.
The Independent
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